Frasier Crane Wins Psychiatry
by Beanstalks
Summary: Frasier meets a beautiful woman by chance. But things take a serious -and deadly- turn when Mr. Jefferson challenges him to a sword fight. Now he must defend his life and show against the '80's. Currently battling: Maude.
1. Chapter 1: VS The Party

Frasier looked out the window and sighed.

"What's wrong, Mr. Crane?" Daphne asked. "Oop, _Frasier_. Sorry, I'm just not used to that yet."

"Alright, Daphne," Frasier assured her. "I'm just thinking of buying a new condo."

"And you don't consult me?" his father, Martin, asked from his chair. "You know I live here? I'm not dead yet."

Eddie the dog barked and wagged his tail.

"This place is too small!" Frasier whined. "I say we get a large penthouse with room for buffet tables, with a maudlin ambiance."

"That's right, you just throw those big words around."

The doorbell rang.

"Ooh, that must be Niles," Daphne said wistfully. "We're going on a date, you see?"

"And why would he ring the door bell instead of using his key?"

"Well, my psychic senses are telling me that a man is at the door."

Frasier scoffed and Daphne opened the door.

A woman stood in the doorway. She was wearing a slender black dress and matching stilettos and purse, and had short blond hair. She had make-up on, including crimson lipstick on her small lips.

She couldn't have been older than her thirties, and that's a stretch.

"Hi, Mom," the woman said.

Daphne's jaw dropped. She asked, "Who are you, Miss? ...Your _mother_?"

Frasier ran t the door and shook hands with the woman, introducing himself.

"Frasier Crane," the woman mused. "You mean, that guy on the radio?"

"Precisely!"

"Am I that old-looking?" Daphne shrieked. "I can't be that much older than you!"

"I thought you might be my new step-mother," the woman confessed. "My father told me he was engaged to a much younger woman."

"A trophy wife?" Daphne chuckled. "Me? You're such a kind dear."

"So I'm guessing this isn't where the party is?"

"Of course not," Frasier said warmly. "Looks like you have the wrong place. Allow me to take the liberty of walking you to your father. What's his name? Maybe I know him."

"He doesn't live here, though... Um, the party is a welcoming party for his friends, if that helps."

"Yes! The Jeffersons recently moved here!" Martin announced. "I was invited, but I have a date tonight. With a _very beautiful woman_."

"The Jeffersons," Frasier informed the woman, "live downstairs. Of course, the children three floors down are having a birthday party."

"It's a welcoming party," the woman assured him.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Frasier's just mad because the new neighbour doesn't like him," Martin said. "He called Frasier a sissy!"

"Thank you, Dad," Frasier grumbled. "Let me walk you to the party, Miss...?"

"Harriet," the said, bowing.

"Harriet. Such a lovely name."

Frasier held up her hand and kissed it. Harriet returned with a smile. And pulled a napkin out of her purse and wiped her hand. The two left and Daphne closed the door.

"Oh my," Daphne said to Martin. "I have a date with Niles, you have a date, and now Frasier has a date. All that's left it Eddie."

"Maybe another day you'll get lucky," Martin said to Eddie as he patted him.

"Who are you going on a date with anyway?"

"A feisty Italian woman. She's a little older, but she's got a spark!"

"That's wonderful."

"Yeah. And she says she has a daughter who is desperate, so I'm hoping Frasier's new date doesn't end well so we can do double dates."

"Oh, Martin!" Daphne snapped. "Not nice."

Frasier and Harriet exited the elevator and walked to the Jefferson's door. Harriet knocked.

"So, this is it. The party," Frasier said nervously. "I should go now."

"No, come and enjoy the party," Harriet said flirtatiously. "You can be my date."

"I wasn't really invited... But you can give me your number-"

A short black man with gumption and a khaki suit opened the door. He yelled, "Harriet, so good to see you!"

"Hello, Mr. Jefferson!" Harriet said warmly. He let her in.

"And the sissy," Mr. Jefferson said to Frasier.

"Let him in, please?" Harriet begged. "He's my date."

Frasier blushed.

"_HIM? A date?_" Mr Jefferson looked shocked. But then he chuckled.

"He's straight," Harriet assured him.

"Alright, come in," he said to Frasier.

Mr. Jefferson left the two to talk for a few minutes. They found out they shared a taste in music, but not in art. They shared the ideal retirement, but not pies. They shared the same taste in slippers and cameras.

"I'm going to have a cigarette and then go look for my dad," Harriet told him. "Want to come?"

"That's alright, I don't smoke."

"Eh, suit yourself."

She winked and walked to the balcony.

"Nice woman, eh?" Mr. Jefferson said. He appeared behind Frasier.

Frasier turned to him and said, "Yes, quite. Harriet is a handsome and sophisticated woman."

"Just don't you go and touch her!"

"Excuse me?"

"I don't want my best friend's daughter getting knocked up and pregnant and stuck with a man-woman!"

"How dare you?" Frasier snapped. When he noticed a few people stare at them, he turned straight-faced and reserved.

"You heard me!"  
"George!" A large black woman with a beehive turned up at the sidelines and glared at him.

"Wheezy!" Mr. Jefferson whined. "Come on! You can't expect Harry's daughter to date some no-good, uninvited sissy?"

"I understand your concern," Frasier said in a neutral voice. "You worry about Harriet ending up with a loser."

"That's what I just said, dummy!"

"I can assure you that I am a well-respected radio personality. That, Harriet and I are only friends."

_That's good_, he thought. If he went around calling someone his date or girlfriend, there could be an unfortunate circumstance where she denies it. Oh, the humiliation, _again_!

"Where's your father?" Mr. Jafferson scoffed. "Now _that's _a guy you want to have at a party!"

A few people nodded.

Jefferson turned to Wheezy and said, "Come on, sweetie; let's go enjoy the party. Away from this riff-raff."

"Riff-raff!" Frasier scoffed. A sudden lapse in judgement led him to push Mr. Jefferson.

"How dare you!" Mr. Jefferson snapped. "Florence, fight him!"

"I'm on break! It's a party!" a voice called back.

"George!" Wheezy snapped, hitting George on the shoulder. "Don't ask Florence to fight him! You fight your own battles."

"What?" Frasier gasped.

"Get that trouble-maker, sweetie."

"You should learn how to treat the host with respect!" George announced, pulling two swords off the display on the wall. "And you should learn that Harriet is too good for you!"

He handed a sword to Frasier. Everyone moved away from the two.

BOSS BATTLE!

Frasier Crane VS George Jefferson

"Prepare to lose!" Frasier said.

"Harriet's too good for you," George said. "I'm not gonna let her date someone from a show from the nineties! Shows during that time are nowhere near as good a quality as earlier shows."

"I'm..." -Frasier held up his sword- "From..." -He aimed his blade at George Jefferson's head- "_Cheers!_"

The two ran at each other, ready to

FIGHT!


	2. Chapter 2: VS George Jefferson

Frasier struck first, with a diagonal hit. George responded by blocking the attack with his sword's blade.

"You're too impulsive in a fight!" George cried out. "You must learn to calm down and absorb your surroundings if you want to win."

"Thanks for the advice," Frasier said.

He slashed at George.

"...But I don't need your advice."

Blood started too pour out of George's mouth. He fell to his knees and started to tear up.

"That was an easy fight," Frasier chuckled towards the party-goers.

George gave a slight chuckle and sprang up. Frasier jumped in surprise as George's sword grazed his right shoulder and stabbed his tie, then ripping it off.

"That was an Armani tie!" Frasier snapped. "It's very expensive and only comes with this suit! $400.00, man!"

"It's an ugly suit and you payed through the nose for it," George wheezed. He was clearly getting winded.

"You're getting old, old...man," Frasier told him. "You can't stand to fight a young, virile man such as myself."

"I'm not old enough to fight a young, virile _girl _such as yourself!"

The two engaged in battle, swords clashing and dirty looks exchanged.

George put the blade to his face and started to hum.

"Movin' on up," he said in between hums. "To the East side, mmm, mmm."

A blue aura surrounded him. Runes appeared and swam in the aura.

"Oh no!" Wheezy declared. "George is going to use his Dry Cleaner Special!"

"But he would exhaust all of his mana," Florence said. "Shorty's gonna run out of energy and won't be able to fight."

"Shut up, woman, I know it," George snapped. "That's why I gotta finish him off soo..."

His aura started to fade. The runes flashed white and fell to the ground.

Frasier saw his opportunity and struck George with his blade.

"Why didn't he move out of the way when Frasier came at him?" a party-goer asked.

"Oh, George can't move for a while if his Special is interrupted," Wheezy informed the guest. "It's like Focus Blast from_ Pokemon_."

"Foolish man," Frasier said.

"I'll show you foolish..." George muttered. He rose up and pointed his blade at Frasier. "I'm going to do to you what Wesley Crusher did to Star Trek: The Next Generation!"

"... What?"

"You know... Wesley Crusher, the kid... he ruined the whole show!"

"So you're going to plummet my ratings?"

"No! Well, yes, because your show can't do well with its star being dead and all-"

Frasier ran at him and took a hold of George's eye.

"_Eye _hope you appreciate the _eye_-rony of me doing my own reference," Frasier said. "I got this from watching _Buffy_!"

Frasier took out George's eye.

"No!" George screeched. "Elizabeth!"

"What?" Wheezy snapped at him. "Who's Elizabeth?"

"Sorry, wrong show."

Frasier finished George off with a slice of his blade.

**FRASIER WINS. FATALITY.**

A deed to several laundromats appeared above George's corpse.

"Your prize," Harriet said, walking briskly into the room.

"I don't want it," Frasier said solemnly.

**LEVEL UP!**

**Frasier: Level 6**

**Guts + 2**

**Heart + 3**

**Smarts + 4**

**Frasier gained the Samurai Sword! DA NA NA NA!**

Frasier's sword vanished from his hands.

"I'm sorry about this," Frasier said. "I should go."

"Frasier, wait!" Harriet ran up to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

**Love + 2**

"You have a real talent for impromptu battles."

"Thank you," Frasier said. He walked out the door, Harriet hesitantly following him.


	3. Chapter 3: VS Fred Sanford and Bulldog

It had been a month since the Jefferson party, and Frasier and Harriet had become very close. Frasier got Harriet a job as Roz's assistant, because A) it was a small job he didn't have to beg his boss for, and B) because Roz demanded an assistant, especially to help her with her baby.

"Get me a coffee, eh, Harriet?" Roz asked as she waltzed into her booth.

"Right away, Roz,"Harriet grumbled. "Honey?"

"No honey, please."

"I was talking to Frasier..."

"Hmm?" Frasier looked up from his desk. "Oh, no thanks."

Harriet jumped off the desk, gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked off.

"Nice girl," Roz said to him. "Very charming."

"And very intelligent," Frasier added.

"Mmm-hmm. So... when are you gonna dump her?"

"Excuse me?"

"Face it, Frasier: you have bad luck with women. Either you break up with them or they break up with you for calling them by the name of your latest ex."

"_One_ time that happened! One!"

Bulldog started to pound on Frasier's door, begging Frasier to let him in.

Frasier opened the door and snapped, "What is it, Bulldog?"

"Two things!" Bulldog panted. "Two very important things!"

"Oh...? Tell me, would one of them be about a young girl you are taken with, only to get bored of later?"

"Yes, but... How did you know?"

"A lucky guess?"

"Anyway, the place has been bought out! We have this whole new boss and everything."

"Really? And do you know-"

"This weird old coot. He's short, black, greying hair, and smells like a junkyard."

"Why, that's a little uncalled for. What's he really like?"

At that point (and I mean, _right _after Frasier said that) a short black man with greying hair and the smell of a junkyard wandered in.

"So you're the psychiatrist guy," the man said, eyeing Frasier. "Lamont told me about you."

"And who, pray tell, is Lamont?" Frasier asked.

"My son," the man said with much pride. "He's an actor."

"How wonderful."

"Hello, there, boss!" Bulldog said warmly, extending his hand towards the man. "If you need _anything _at all, boss, just tell me, boss."

The man folded his arms and stared at Bulldog. "A suck-up."

Bulldog chuckled awkwardly and put his hand down.

The man said to Frasier, "Sorry to hear that your fancy degree only got you this crummy job."

"It's a wonderful job," Frasier told him.

"Heh! _Yeah, right_."

"So what made you want to buy the place?" Bulldog asked.

"Well, suck-up, I thought that I was too old and tired to continue on in the junk business alone. And Sanford Arms was getting dull."

"Told you he worked in junk," Bulldog whispered to Frasier. Frasier just stared at him in contempt.

"Well, it was good to see you, Mr. Sanford?"

"Yep!"

"Just like those apartments!" Bulldog chimed in.

"I have a show soon," Frasier told them. "I hope to see you again another time, sir."

"You're insincere," Mr. Sanford told him. "But... can you do me a favor?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Die."

Mr. Sanford's right hand shaped and grew into a hammer, then slammed into Frasier's desk, cracking up the surface.

"Woah!" Roz gasped.

"Suck-up!" Mr. Sanford called.

"Yes, sir?" Bulldog said.

"Come, you can help me take him out. Be a nice meat shield, boy!"

"Okay!"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Roz snapped, jumping up from her seat. "You can't fight him two-on-one!"

"Would you care to assist me in battle?" Frasier said sarcastically. He summoned the Sword and gripped the handle tightly.

"As a matter of fact, I would!"

Roz left her booth and entered the room, siding next to Frasier.

"Why are you doing this, Bulldog?" Roz asked.

"Because it's best to side with the boss," Bulldog responded innocuously. "It's best for your job."

"And a dead man can't do his job!" Mr. Sanford added. "So Bulldog, if you survive, you can have Frasier's job."

"What?"

**Frasier Crane and Roz Doyle VS Fred Sanford and Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe**

"You take Sanford while I take Bulldog," Roz said to Frasier.

"Right," Frasier agreed.

**FIGHT!**

Roz lunged at Bulldog with her foot in the air. She knicked him, but he quickly blocked her with his forearms.

"Betcha didn't know I'm a prized fighter," Bulldog snickered. He grabbed Roz's foot and threw her across the room.

"I'm okay!" Roz called out.

"Not for long!"  
"Hitting a girl, Bulldog?" Frasier said rudely.

"You know, you have weird veins on the side of your forehead. They pop out when you're angry."

"Why, you..."

"Pay attention!" Fred called out.

Frasier turned to Fred and found the man so close he could hear his breath.

Fred's hands -both hammers- grasped Frasier's sword and threw it across the room.

"The sissy white boy's gonna get hit," Fred said.

"Sissy?" Frasier gasped. "Wait, _sissy_?"

"That's what I said! Are you _deaf_?"

"Do you, perhaps, know a Mr. George Jefferson?"

Fred backed down and said, "Why yes!"

"Does his attack on me relate to your attack on me?"

"Why yes! And no."

"No?"

"We wanted to beat you, all of us! But George also wanted to make sure his friend's daughter wasn't hassled by _you_."

"Why me? What makes me so important?"

"Ah, you don't get it?"

Frasier didn't respond.

"_Cheers _has been around in, what? The seventies, eighties?"

Frasier didn't respond.

"Sixties? Eh, probably the eighties."

Fred turned away and said, "We're banning together. Us eighties shows are slowly fading away from television. Now all you kids watch is _Friends _and _Raymond_. But what about _our _reruns? What about the classics that inspired them? Why must we slowly fade away, while they rest on their rotten laurels and be remembered? What about the following we built up be ignored?"

Fred shed a tear.

He went on, "We're turning against you nineties shows. _You _still stay! _You _were the start of our fall! And the networks. And actors holding out for more money. One by one we're wipng you all out. Raymond and Debra may have taken down the children of _Full House_, but they fell... Just... like... you will."

Fred turned to Frasier and raised his hammers.

Just as Frasier shot out a rune-filled beam of blue light. Fred wasn't fast enough to defend himself.

Fred stumbled back quite a bit and said, "Jefferson's attack, eh?"

"But not as powerful," Frasier started to pant. "Less charge time but less powerful."

"How did you learn it?"

"A callous woman named Florence appeared at my doorstep and taught it to me. She said it was a skill I might need one day."

"She turned," Fred muttered to himself. "But why?"

"I was confused, too. Never saw her again after that."

"Unfortunately for her, she was summoned to deal with _Wings_."

"That show isn't even on anymore?"

"Really? Oh well, an enemy is an enemy is an enemy!"

Frasier ran towards the sword, but Fred tripped him with his hammers.

"What's the matter?" Fred asked as he stood over Frasier. "You can't fight without the weapon? No powers?"

Frasier covered his face as Fred raised a hammer.

"JUDO CHOP!" came a voice.

Frasier uncovered his face to see Fred go cross-eyed. Roz was behind him.

He took this opportunity to headbutt Fred in the chest.

"What happened to Bulldog?" Frasier asked.

Roz pointed to Bulldog, limp on the floor with a microphone wire wrapped around this throat.

Frasier and Roz continued to strike Fred on opposite sides. Fred was stunned.

Frasier roundhouse kicked Fred and he and Roz pushed him into a wall.

Frasier picked up the Sword and said to Roz, "We make a pretty good team."

"I need a drink," Roz sighed. "Where's Harriet?"

"Where _is _Harriet?"

Fred slammed his hammers in their faces.

"Super Mode!" Fred announced. He started to glow and grew much larger and muscular, towering over Frasier.

Roz had fallen to the ground. Fred kicked her out of his way and stood before Frasier.

"You're very tough," Frasier confessed.

"Thanks, and same to you," Fred said respectfully. "You can take a few hits."

"Nowhere near as much as you can, Mr. Sanford."

"Call me Fred...Frasier."

"So are we done with this fight?"

"Nope!"

Fred brought down a hammer, but Frasier was able to dodge. He actually dodged a few hits.

"Get back here!" Fred called out. "Can't you sit still and let me hit you?"

_He seems slower now_, Frasier thought to himself. Then, _Of course! This must be his drawback!_

"You're getting slower, old man," Frasier called out. "And now I know your weakness."

Frasier jumped up and delivered several fast punched to Fred. Fred responded by waving his hammers, but Frasier dodged. Frasier again attacked, but decided to try and damage a hammer.

Fred's hammers slowly morphed into sickle-like blades. Frasier fell down in surprise.

Fred's sickles started to flail around wildly, with rather surprising speed.

"How is this possible?" Frasier cried out as he dodged the blades. "And why are sword blades, sickles and regular blades randomly interchangeable?"

"It's my heart," Fred told him. "I have the heart of a warrior, not the heart of a _sissy _like you, Frasier."

"I got quite a lot of heart when I leveled up!"

"No! This is that kind of heart. What's the word, metaphorical?"

"You're a stubborn old man who doesn't give up, sir. Why, I bet if I rip your real heart out, you'll continue to fight."

"Not my heart! It's frail as a delicate flower! And besides, it's not like _you're _not a stubborn old fool!"

"I am not stubborn!"

"Dogbutt was right about the veins. And by the way, maybe you should take a good look at your life before saying we're so different from one another."

Frasier blinked. "My life?"

He had an idea.

But Fred slashed at him before he could act.

"Ah!" Frasier let out a weak cry as he stumbled backwards.

"I told you to pay attention!"

Fred raised a sickled and lunged. Roz jumped in and took a hit directly in the chest.

"Roz!" Frasier gasped.

Roz fell to the floor. Frasier ran towards her and looked for a pulse on her neck.

"Frasier,' she said weakly.

"Roz, you'll be alright," Frasier said to her. "I survived against Jefferson, and I'm nowhere near as strong as you are!"

"Frasier...You're my bast friend!"

"Damn it, Roz, get up! We need to dodge-"

Frasier dodged a few more of Fred's attacks.

"I'm dying, Frasier..."

"I love you, Roz!" Frasier cried out. "Don't leave me!"

And then she died.

"Sweet!" Fred exclaimed. "Now I can take her heart and not have those Hollywood heart attacks."

"Don't you lay a finger on her...Or, well, a blade."

"And what are you going to do about it, huh?"

"Why, I'll...induce a heart attack, that's what I'll do!"

"You're a fool! My heart may be weak, but it's stronger than ever in this form!"

"But your heroic heart is in play. Take away that, you lose."

"And how will you do that?"

"Um... Damn. I'm not exactly sure-"

"Think fast!"

Red and his sickles lashed out at Frasier, who was managing to dodge very few of these attacks.

_Think, Frasier! Everything has it's drawbacks: Jefferson wasn't the best at wielding his swords, and his special attack wasn't so great. Sanford is stronger but slower, the opposite of when he wasn't in Super Mode. Now, he's strong and fast, but what's the drawback?_

"Who do I face next when I beat you?" Frasier asked. He hoped he could stall for time.

"I'm not sure," Fred confessed. "If they're not done in by _Fresh Prince_, it could be The Triple or those kids."

_Heroic heart. His heart is weak, but is strong. He's fast because of his heart, which is weak... Wait!_

"I know what your weakness is!" Frasier announced. "Your heart is strong before, when you were slow. You're fast, thanks to your heart. Slow and steady, the opposite of fast and weak."

"You talk to much!" Fred snapped. "Shut up!"

"No! Your heart must be much weaker because it's using its magical speed."

"No it ain't. the heroic heart was a metaphor!"

"Nonsense! And was it even a metaphor?"

"Okay, maybe I was lying, but I knew you'd go after it if I told you the truth. I had to avoid slip-ups-"

Frasier stuck his sword in Fred's heart.

Fred cried out in pain. He shrunk to his normal size and his arms and hands shifted back to normal.

"Oooo... It's the Big One... You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to you... I'm comin' to Georgia!"

Fred exploded in a ball of light. The light quickly vanished.

**FRASIER WINS. FATALITY.**

**Frasier gained the Sanford Arms Hammer! DA NA NA NA!**

**Achievement Unlocked: Participated in a Tag Battle.**

A deed to the Sanford Arms, Radio Station and a junk yard appeared. The three floated.

"I guess I'll secure my job," Frasier laughed. He grabbed the deed to the radio station. The other two vanished.

**Frasier learned Super Mode!**

"Sorry I'm late," Harriet said as she walked in, holding a cup of coffee. "What happened here?"

"I fought my boss and got the deed to the radio station," Frasier told him. "Roz and I defeated Fred Sanford and Bulldog in a tag battle."

"I see. And Roz is..."

"Dead..."

Frasier broke down in tears.

"You big baby!" Harriet scoffed. "Just bring her back."

"Excuse me?"

"Really, it was a _tag battle_. You get a prize from each guy."

Frasier gasped and ran to Bulldog's body. Sure enough, the other two deeds floated.

"What did you get from the first deed?"

"Super Mode."

"These special items are often something the characters owned or cared about. Usually they teach you something, but they might give an extra life or a save point."

"An extra life? You mean, I can bring Roz back?"

"I already told you that."

"But which one?"

"I dunno. You'll have to choose for yourself."

"No pressure," Frasier said sarcastically.


	4. Chapter 4: VS The Triple

"Where an object's life ends, another will begin," Frasier said. "I choose the junkyard."

"But the Sanford Arms are more valuable," Harriet said. "Even if it's not an extra life, you get a profitable venture."

"Good point. But I'm going with my gut instincts with this one."

He touched the deed to the junkyard. It was replaced with a swirl of orange light.

"A save point," Harriet said.

Frasier sighed.

Harriet ruffled through Bulldog's pockets. "Looking for any Easter eggs."

"What?"

"Ew, chewed gum."

"Yes, very sophisticated. And I thought you would have more class than riffling through the deceased person's things."

"And grabbing those deeds is different?"

Frasier walked over to Roz's body and touched her wound. She had died for him, his best friend.

Frasier felt a tingle. A white light exited through his hand and into the wound, which healed quickly.

"What's happening?" Frasier asked Harriet.

**FRASIER LOST A LIFE! 2 LIVES LEFT.**

"Apparently you gave your life for Roz, just as she did for you."

"How poetic," Frasier said.

Roz rose up and gave Frasier a tearful hug.

Frasier explained to Rozwhat had happened during the fight, and filled Harriet in on the events.

"I'm so glad I took those self-defense classes," Roz said. She drank her coffee.

"I have to go," Harriet said.

"What for?" Frasier asked.

"...Bathroom. It's not proper etiquette to just tell people, remember?"

"Ooop, sorry."

Harriet left, leaving Roz and Frasier in the room with many damaged items.

"What about the show?" Frasier asked Roz.

"Frasier!" Roz gasped. "I can't believe you!"

"Well, the suffering of other people don't stop _just because _you died a little."

"_Very funny_."

They heard a woman's scream.

"Harriet?" Frasier asked. "Are you okay? Is that you?"

"Go after her," Roz told him. "I'll be alright."

Frasier ran out of the room and followed the screaming. He was annoyed that it was near-constant. The girl wasn't giving up and the screams were helpful, but it was annoying.

Finally, in the lobby, he found Harriet. She was tied with rope against a pillar.

"Harriet!" Frasier called from across the lobby.

"Frasier, I have rope burn!" she responded.

"I'll save you, I'm your knight in shining armor!"

"Listen, is that a voice I here?" came a female voice.

"It's speaking to me loud and clear!" came a male voice.

"On the wind!"

A blond woman descended from the ceiling.

"Past the stars!" came the male voice.

A man with dark hair descended from the ceiling.

"In your ear!" came another female voice.

A dark-haired woman descended from the ceiling.

"Cancelling your show at a break-neck pace!" said the blond.

"Dashing _Friends_, putting _Cheers _in its place." said the man.

"A show from any other decade is just as sweet!"

"When everything's worse, our work is complete!"

"Chrissy!"

"Jack!"

"And Janet, now that's a name!" said the brunette.

"Putting '90's shows in their place!" said Chrissy.

"We're The Triple..." said the man.

Together they said, "In your face!"

"Wobbuffet!" Chrissy added.

**Frasier VS Jack, Chrissy and Janet**

"I thought the '80's were against me!" Frasier exclaimed. "You're from the '70's! And the Jefferson-"

"We lasted into the '80's, we count!" Jack whined. "And if you want to see your girlfriend again, you'll have to battle us! Chrissy!"

"Right!" Chrissy said. "Oh...you mean...the Dumb Bubble, right?"

"Yes."

**FIGHT!**

A green bubble started to surround Chrissy, slowly, slowly getting bigger.

"And what, pray tell, is that attack?" Frasier asked. He started to summon the Sword.

"Not an attack, but it's the Dumb Bubble!" Chrissy said cheerfully. "It creates a zone around me; anyone inside the zone becomes stupid. I'm not affected, obviously."

Janet chuckled.

"Chrissy, don't tell him about it!" Jack whined. He turned to Janet and nodded.

A blue bubble started to surround Janet and Jack.

"And this?" Frasier asked.

"I'm not telling _you_!" Janet said scornfully.

"Is it a smart bubble?"

"Damn! How did you know!"

"You were smart not to tell me, and Chrissy...She told me. "

"So you've drawn the conclusion about Janet's ability?" Jack asked. "Very clever."

"And I bet I will say the same about you."

"ATTACK!"

Chrissy started to run around Frasier. "I'm just distracting you," she said. "You can't escape me! And the bubble will grow and grow until it hits you-"

Frasier tripped her with his Sword.

Jack ran at him, but tripped over Chrissy.

"You're on top of me!" Chrissy cried. "You were moving too fast!"

Jack was imbued with a blue aura, but it was slowly vanishing while in Chrissy's Bubble.

He got up, ran across the lobby and said, "Chrissy! Distract-O Cut!"

Chrissy got up and and started jumping up and down in front of Frasier. Frasier couldn't help but stare.

"Frasier!" Harriet roared.

"Oh, right," Frasier muttered.

"You little jerk!"

Frasier blinked and turned his gaze away from Chrissy. And Jack ran in and punched Frasier in the face.

"That was uncalled for!" Frasier whined.

"It's a fight!" Jack said.

"It's an unfair fight. Can't I at least team up with Harriet?"

"No!"

"Let's give him help," Janet said. "There's no way he can take one of us on, let alone three!"

"Alright..."

Jack pointed to a phone on the desk and said, "Call _one _person to help you. And we're gonna keep Harriet to keep you fighting."

"You don't trust me?" Frasier asked.

"No."

"Oh."

In truth, he was hoping to run off with Harriet.

Frasier went to the phone and started dialing.

"Hello?" his brother answered the phone.

"Niles! Listen, I'm fighting three characters from an '80's sitcom, after I brought Roz back to life after I killed Fred Sanford and Bulldog. They've captured my girlfriend and are letting me choose one person to assist me. And who better than my own little brother?"

"What's what, Daphne? Frasier, I'd love to fight, but Daphne is calling me. Good-bye!"

"No, don't-"

Niles hung up.

Jack walked up to Frasier and asked, "So what's up? Have you got someone to help-"

Frasier threw the phone at Jack. Unfortunately, it was still wired, so it fell by Jack's feet.

Jack laughed. He started to grow five more arms. "Shiva ability," Jack told him. "I can spawn multiple arms at will. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to use any other special attacks."

"This is getting stupid!" Frasier whined. "I'm a psychiatrist, not a fighter."

Jack responded by slapping Frasier with each of his hands.


	5. Chapter 5: VS The Triple Pt 2

"How 'bout giving up?" Jack said. He stood over Frasier and laughed.

"How about going to Hell?" Frasier screeched. he lunged up at Jack...who slapped him back down.

Frasier summoned the Sword, but Jack quickly yanked it away and held it in one of his hands.

"Weapons probably won't do you any good," Jack told him. He now no longer had an aura or Bubble.

Frasier got up and summoned a weapon he apparently got from Sanford. This, too, was taken from him.

"What did I just tell you?"

"Frasier, fightback with a Megaton Punch!" Harriet screamed.

Frasier turned to her in confusion, not seeing Jack's multiple punches that forced him into a wall.

"There's only one way to defeat them!" Frasier exclaimed as he wiped a trickle of blood from his mouth. "With the power of classical music"

He raised his right hand and summoned a miniature stradivarius-harp mix. He started to play some compositions by Antonio Salieri.

Sonic waves hit Jack and the girls, but seemed to do little damage.

"This attack works best if you appreciate _actual talent_," Frasier said. "Of course, I shouldn't have overestimated your taste in the classics.

He decided to use his weapon to smack Jack into Chrissy's Bubble.

Janet ran at Frasier and declared, "Taste and intelligence are two different things! And I'm not weighted down by the same hubris as you."

Frasier hit her his his weapon and kicked her into Chrissy's Bubble.

The Bubble surrounding both Janet and Chrissy started to spark once they connected. They both vanished with a flash and a large _pop!_

"They must have cancelled each other out," Jack said.

Frasier punched them so hard they were sent through the windows and into the sky blue.

"Wishing you good mental health, chumps," Frasier said.

**FRASIER WINS.**

**Achievement Unlocked: Never found the bodies**

"What?" Frasier asked the words.

**Frasier gained the Flirty Tank Top! DA NA NA NA! **

**Frasier learned the Smart Bubble! **

**Frasier learned the Dumb Bubble! **

**Frasier learned the Shiva Ability!**

"Only one item?" Frasier whined. "They must be cheapskates or something. Eh, how do I use a tank-top?"

"You wear it!" Harriet said. "Frasier, you might remember that I'm _still tied up_ at the moment?"

"Oh, right..."

* * *

_Dear: Dr. Frasier Crane_

_I was surprised to hear you defeated _three _shows. To be honest, I expected you to be finished off by Mr. Sanford._

_I feel we should meet face-to-face. But first, let's see if you can survive against three more shows. If you survive, I know you're worthy of a fight with me._

_Of course, we have already met before, haven't we?_

_Signed, _

_Someone close by._


	6. Chapter 6: VS A Blimp

It had been a two days since Frasier's battle with The Triple, and he had since created a ensemble team of heroes.

Said ensemble were now congregating in Frasier's living room.

"Role call," Frasier said.

Frasier: **The Hero**

"Why?" Roz asked. "We all know each other."

Roz: **The Lancer (Second in command)**

"It...makes me feel special."

"This is insane!" Niles said. "How do we know we're going to be attacked again?"

Niles: **The Chick**

"Do you want to risk your son David's safety? We all need to be ready in case of an attack."

"For David," Daphne said.

Daphne: **The Big Guy**

"For family," Martin added.

Martin: **The Smart Guy**

"For love," Harriet Added.

Harriet: **The New Guy**

"Now, everyone, I have received a message," Frasier told them in a dramatic tone. "In five days-"

Eddie barked.

Eddie: **The Dog**

"You just went outside!"

"I'll take him out," Harriet offered.

"You're a dear," Martin told her.

Eddie happily let Harriet put a leash on him. The two walked out.

"Are you sure she should go alone?" Niles asked Frasier. "Shouldn't we be in pairs in case of an attack?"

"Nonsense," Frasier said. "She's an incredibly tough woman who can take care of herself. Why, in fact, she taught me the Megaton Punch."

"She could still get in trouble..."

"Did someone say trouble? came a voice.

The cast looked out the windows to see a giant blind. On the nose were Chrissy (covered in bandages and placed in a wheelchair), Jack and Janet, disregarding their own safety.

"Prepare for trouble!" Chrissy exclaimed.

"And make it double!" Jack added. He did some hand motions and put a rose in his mouth.

"To protect the shows from devastation!"

"To unite all genres within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of network jerks!"

"It's the superior show that deserve all the perks!"

"Chrissy!"

"Jack!"

"The Triple, blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to die!"

"Janet, that's right!" Janet added.

"We can't fight now!" Martin exclaimed.

"And why not?"

"You'll destroy our home! Not to mention, hurt so many innocent people in the building!"

"Fine!" Jack exclaimed. "We'll fight within our ship, baby boy."

So the cast entered the blimp.

"No fair!" Chrissy exclaimed. "Aren't there more of you than there are of us?"

"My, you are quite the observer," Niles said sarcastically.

"Thank you!"

"Well, you battled me three-on-one last time!" Frasier whined.

"This is different!" Jack yelled.

"How?"

"Just...okay, let's make it a three-on-three."

**Choose your character!**

"I'll fight," Roz said.

"I'm not going to risk you, especially after what happened to days ago!" Frasier said. "I choose..."

**Niles,** **Daphne and Frasier VS Jack, Chrissy and Janet**

**FIGHT!**

"Special ability, activate!" Daphne announced.

Daphne grew larger and spawned armor. Said armor featured a myriad of colors, seemingly picked at random, with swirls and floral designs.

"That's my muffin," Niles said.

Niles summon two sai. Small sai, but were very sharp. Their size drew less attention to his girlish hands.

Frasier just ran up to Jack and punched him in the face.

**FIGHT!**

"You guys weren't supposed to show up for five more days!" Frasier exclaimed.

"You must be thinking of some other person!" Jack responded as he kicked Frasier away.

Janet cartwheeled so fast she burst into flames. She then kicked Niles in the jaw. "Bam!" she screeched. "Jack, Chrissy: you two distract Frasier while I deal with these-"

Daphne punched her in the thigh.

"Ow!" Janet yelled.

"You leave my husband alone!" Daphne warned.

Chrissy got a hold of Frasier's legs while Jack took his Sword and put Frasier's hands in a hold behind Frasier's back.

"Give us our powers back!" Jack whispered into his ear.

"Over my dead body!" Frasier said, struggling in vain.

"If you say so!"

"Stop! Jack!" Janet snapped. "Do as I say, because otherwise you _will _slip up!"

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence," Jack said sarcastically.

Janet spun around and kicked. She managed to bring Daphne and Niles to their knees.

"You two need to learn to work together in a fight!" Frasier told them.

"How?" Niles asked as he dodged a kick from Janet. "I'm not even sure if this is all even real!"  
"I know!" Daphne said. Janet kicked her in the abdomen.

"Daphne!" Niles cried out just before Janet slammed him down.

"Use your powers together!" Frasier advised. "Every thing has a weakness! Figure out Janet's weakness and join together to exploit it!"

Jack covered his mouth and said, "Shut up!"

Jack had let go of one of Frasier's hands to do this.

Frasier took this opportunity to bring his free hand foreword and grabbed Jack by the nose.

"Let go!" Jack said nasally.

"Okay!" Chrissy said, letting go of Frasier's legs.

Frasier kicked Chrissy in the ribs, then slammed Jack on top of her. Chrissy's wheelchair started to groan.

"I know what to do!" Daphne said.

"Me too!" Niles agreed. "We go back-to-back!"

"What? No, you go on top of me, near my head. We become one like that and you can see her coming and descend on her."

"Back-to-back will allow us to form a twister and attack at all sides."

"All sides but up!"

"Allows for some invincibility."

Janet grabbed Niles and threw him against Daphne.

"We'll have to practice our double-teaming." Niles said.

"Right-o!" Daphne agreed.

Frasier held Jack and Chrissy by their shirt collars and through them against the walls of the blimp.

"This is too much work and I'm not getting payed enough!" Chrissy exclaimed. She got up and walked towards a door in the blimp's piloting cart. She opened the door and jumped out, seemingly forgetting that they were in the sky.

**Chrissy had left the show. By dying. Frasier, Daphne and Niles gain 151 EXP.**

**Niles leveled up!**

Niles held up his sai, which grew slightly, gained two more prongs and were surrounded by a dark aura.

"Daphne, I think your idea is worth a try," Niles said.

Daphne lifted him up. Janet launched a cartwheel at them, but Niles stabbed with his Sai and Daphne grabbed her and threw her across the blimp.

"How are we even fighting inside a blimp anyway?" Daphne asked.

"My guess there are rocket engines underneath," Niles guessed. "Certainly not the weirdest thing, considering today's events."

"Or magic."

"Or little elves, making this blimp rise like yeast-"

They heard a hiss. One of the sai Janet was stabbed with not only pinned her to a wall, but had pierced a tiny hole in the lining.

"We probably have enough time to land before we run out of air," Frasier assured them. "We'll just...cover it up with some tape."

Jack picked up Janet and dragged the sai through the lining, creating a bigger hole.

"Time to make our escape!" Jack said to them. He held Janet and jumped out of the hole.

**FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE WIN!**

**Frasier, Niles and Daphne gain 500 EXP.**

**Daphne leveled up!**

**Frasier leveled up!**

**Frasier learned Bite!**

"You can't expect me to bite a dirty criminal!" Frasier exclaimed. "Dirty, filthy people."

Martin shuffled over to to the steering wheel, saying, "I'll land this blimp, no problem. And I better do it soon; I have to prepare for my date tomorrow night."


	7. Chapter 7: VS Unknown

Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Harriet and Eddie sat in Frasier's living room, watching movies. Well, Harriet was _deconstructing _the movies, Niles was complaining about them, Daphne was complaining about Niles complaining, and Frasier and Eddie were just watching everyone else.

"You're missing the big picture," Daphne insisted. "Jack and Rose would give their lives for each other, and they barely met! That's true love."

"Nonsense," Niles disagreed. "They're just horny strangers. If Jack survived, why, I'd bet they'd break it off after he stole her belongings."

"But he didn't...!"

"Rose had always lived a sheltered life," Harriet said, penting her fingers. "She might have wanted to walk on the wild side. Hence, her attraction to Jack."

"See?" Niles said to Daphne. "Harriet agrees with me.  
"I never said that. For all we know, their love could have developed."

"Ha!" Daphne cackled at her husband.

"...A little too soon, though."

Martin and his date, a little, old, white Italian woman, came through the door.

"You'll love this wine, Sophia," Martin told her. "My boys always pick out the fancy stuff."

"Hey! Hey!" Niles whined. "Who said you can have that?"

"That's Niles," he told Sophia.

"I didn't know you had a little girl."

Martin laughed and said, "And that's my _other _daughter there, Frasier."

Frasier stood up and extended his hand.

"What are you doing?" Sophia asked. "If my arm even goes up to greet that it'll snap!"

"You're not that old, Sophia," Martin told her. "Not to mention, you're feisty... and beautiful."

"You're such a sweet-talker. And a liar!"

"Frasier, go close the blinds. Sophia says she has cataracts."

"Well, to be fair, I said I _might_have cataracts. But you don't wand thieves watching you, especially with those huge windows."

"Thieves?" Frasier asked, raising an eyebrow. "Watching us, at night, while we're several floors up in an apartment."

"No back-talk, Fras," Martin said sternly.

Frasier went to the window and pulled the velvet curtains.

He noticed Jack staring at him.

Frasier sighed, opened the window, and punched Jack so hard he blasted off into the sky.

"Let's give these guys some privacy," Daphne told everyone. "Niles, Frasier, Harriet."

Eddie barked.

"Eddie," Martin said. Then he said, "Thanks. Just don't expect anything to, you know, happen. But just in case, don't come back for, oh, two hours."

"Please!" Sophia exclaimed. "We won't do anything. I wait until the third date."

Martin and Sophia then chuckled to themselves.

Rather than ask why, the group left without looking back.

"How 'bout we all go get some coffee?" Daphne asked the group as they left the apartments.

"Sounds great," Harriet said as she lit up a cigarette.

"I didn't know you smoke," Frasier muttered.

Harriet giggled and said, "There's a lot you don't know about me, baby."

Frasier heard rustling.

He turned to see something big jump past them. It ran through the group and disappeared.

"What was that?" Niles asked. "I...don't feel like fighting now."

"Well, I do," Daphne said, raising her fists.

"Me, I'll fight," Harriet agreed. "I'll fight."

"Probably just The Triple again," Frasier said. "You know, I saw Jack-"

Several ninja stars hit the pavement below, barely missing their feet.

They heard rustling, saw shadows. It was very disorienting.

Finally, a shadow lunged out with a sword.

And then Janet appeared before them, saying, "Ha! I got you!"

The shadow's sword went through Janet's chest.

"Janet!" Frasier exclaimed. He said to his group, "Everyone, run!"

"You don't have to tell em twice!" Daphne said.

Frasier grabbed Harriet and ran opposite the direction the shadow person stabbed Janet. Niles and Daphne ran west, and Eddie started to scratch at the doors of the apartments.

"Oh my God, Eddie!" Daphne exclaimed.

"I'll go get him," Niles said as he summoned his sai.

"No, it's dangerous!"

Daphne grabbed Niles as he started to run. Unfortunately, Niles fell and impaled himself with his sai.

**NILES LOST A LIFE! 2 LIVES LEFT!**

"Sorry, Niles! ...Wait."

"Ow!"

"I said 'wait!'"

"Okay."

"Aren't you going to ask what you should wait for?"

"Uh-"

"I realized something: we didn't get that 'FIGHT!' message when that person attacked."

"And that's why we must be allowed to escape."

"Can she attack us for real if it's not official? So she can't attack us, or Eddie."

"Then again, that person _did _just impale Janet."

Frasier and Harriet saw a shadow close in on them. Harriet held out her hands and blocked an attack.

"Should I activate the mecha?" Harriet asked.

"And destroy all of Seattle?" Frasier gasped. "No!"

Harriet's shield cracked from another attack. A few more jabs made it shatter.

"Uh oh," she gasped.

Eddie started to bark and run at them.

"Eddie, run!"

"Eddie!" Frasier roared. He summoned his Sword.

The figure gave Eddie a pat.

"What a nice animal," the figure said. Their voice was deep.

"It's a guy, we know that," Harriet said.

"This isn't over," the figure said as it retreated to the shadows. "Frasier Crane, mark my words: You will die."

Janet ran past Frasier and Harriet, screaming, "You haven't heard the last of The Triple!"


	8. Chapter 8: VS Dorothy Zbornac

"Thanks for coming over, Roz," Frasier said.

The attack last night had caused him to review his skills as a fighter: she should have been able to take that guy out.

But he decided to skip work and take a personal day. He was safer in his home, at least emotionally.

"No problem," Roz said. "Harriet, mind making me some tea?"

"I'm not at work!" Harriet sniffed. "Make it yourself."

"Well, I don't want you to get rusty."

Harriet glared at Frasier.

"I'll make us tea," Frasier said, getting up from the couch.

"Frasier, you're all messed up," Roz said. "You were attacked last night."

"So was I!" Harriet whined.

"Yeah, but you had a shield."

"It broke! I had to spend the rest of the night fixing it."

"Well, you can defend yourself. Frasier, on the other hand..."

"I heard that!" Frasier snapped. He was in the kitchen.

The doorbell rang. Roz ran over to get the door.

"I'll get it," she said as she opened the door."

Jack, Janet and something covered with a tarp cackled.

"Prepare for trouble!" Janet said.

"And make it double," Jack added.

"To protect old shows from cancellation!"

"To unite all genres within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of network jerks!"

"It's the superior show that-"

Roz sighed and judo chopped both of them. She then kicked the two and their tarp clear across the hall.

"Who was it?" Harriet asked as Roz closed the door.

"Girl scouts," Roz responded.

"I burned the tea!" Frasier called out. "Eh, forget it: let's just go out and _buy _coffee."

"But... Ah, whatever."

Niles and Daphne met the three at the coffee shop. Niles had informed them that Daphne's mother was in town, watching David.

"I hope this whole thing wraps up soon," Daphne said. "A boy needs his mummy and daddy.

"_Mommy_," Harriet said.

"What?"

"Daphne's mother leaves in about a week," Niles told them. "If this isn't all wrapped up soon, Daphne and I are leaving."

"Or is it, 'Daphne and me?'" Roz asked.

"I... Well...That reminds me! Frasier, Dad and his date are coming over."

"And?" Frasier prodded.

"How did you know there was more? Anyway, Sophia is bringing her daughter over to meet you."

Frasier groaned. Harriet held Frasier's hands tightly.

"Not this again!" Frasier groaned. "I've told him _over and over _that I'm still with Harriet."

"If she comes near my Frasier, she better expect to get punched out!" Harriet said loudly.

Patrons of the shop started to stare at her. Niles forced back a chuckle.

"Too over-the-top?"

"Yes," Frasier said.

"I'm serious! I mean, what if she's a villain?"

Roz stood up and said, "Frasier, can I talk to you about something?"

Harriet's eyes grew wide as Frasier and Roz stepped outside.

"Well, I hope they're not leaving us with the bill," Niles said.

Once outside, Roz told Frasier, "Don't you think something a little off with your girlfriend?"

Frasier waved through the window at Harriet, then turned to Roz and said, "Nonsense."

"This time she starts a scene, what if she spills hot drinks on people?"

"Come on, Roz, that was one time, Harriet apologized and it was an accident."

"Frasier, I'm serious..."

Roz said something, but Frasier wasn't listening.

He was focused on something that sped away.

"Roz, there he is again!" Frasier exclaimed.

"What?"

"The shadow, and it's going in the same direction as the apartment."

"Frasier, you go on. I'll tell the others."

"Thank you, Roz."

Frasier gave a half-hearted smile and started to run.

Then he ran back, got his car and drove home.

Frasier opened his door and quickly shut it and locked it once inside.

"Dad! Dad!" Frasier exclaimed. "Are you hear?"

Martin shuffled out of Frasier's bedroom.

"You didn't!"Frasier gasped.

"I was just showing these two lovely ladies around," Martin replied. Sophia followed him out.

"_Two _lovely ladies?" Sophia asked. "Well, one lovely lady and her daughter."

Martin chuckled.

A tall, nice-looking, white elderly woman with graying hair stepped out of the room. She seemed to tower over Sophia and martin.

"Dorothy, this is Frasier," Martin said to her.

Dorothy's eyes grew wide.

As she and Frasier shook hands, she said to him, "Hello, Frasier. I heard you on the radio a couple of days ago."

Frasier's eyes grew wide.

"You're the shadow person!" Frasier shouted.

"Well, thank you for screaming in my face," Dorothy said sarcastically.

"You're the shadow man! You attacked us last night!"  
Martin said, "Frasier, you were attacked? Why didn't you tell me?"

Eddie barked.

"Oh."

"Why, I bet you're not even Dorothy!" Frasier declared as he started to pull at Dorothy's hair. "I beat... you're a man in drag."

"How dare you!" Dorothy screamed as the pushed Frasier away.

"I thought Dorothy was a man, too, when I had her," Sophia said. "The forearms and chest hair she had as a baby made me suspicious."

"I'm a woman!" Dorothy screamed. She finally managed to pull Frasier off.

"You're probably from a show in the '80's!" Frasier said.

"'80's, going into the '90's," Dorothy replied. "And that's no excuse for harassing me!"

Frasier summoned his Sword and said, "Prepare to die, you evil old crone!"

"Evil old crone?" Dorothy repeated. She backed away from Frasier.

"Frasier, this is insane!" Martin cried out. "Stop attacking your future step-sister."

"Or wife," Sophia said. "She's desperate, so she'll settle for you."

"Settle?" Frasier asked. "What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"It means what you think it means. Martin, honey, no offence... but you're son's an idiot!" "I know, Sophia," Martin sighed. "I know."

**Frasier Crane VS Dorothy Zbornac**

"What was that voice?" Sophia asked.

Martin led her and Eddie to the kitchen and said, "You'll find out. And we'll watch it from a safe distance."

"Like the hippos mating at the zoo."

"Eh, something like that."

"You cannot win!" Frasier screamed as he ran at Dorothy with his Sword up high.

**FIGHT!**

Dorothy summoned her own sword and blocked Frasier's hit.

"You got me," she said smugly. "I was sent here to kill you."

Dorothy pushed her sword's side against Frasier's, putting in enough force to send him flying to the couch.

"Does this mean...Sophia and Dad are not in love?" Frasier asked.

Martin turned to Sophia and said, "Was your dating me just a scheme to get close to Frasier?"

"Please, you overestimate me!" Sophia said. "Dorothy wanted to come. It's not anyone's fault I fell in love with such a charming man."

"I'm not sure if I believe you, honey."

"My mom just came with me here," Dorothy said. "Trust me, none of this was planned. I was supposed to kill Frasier and get out of Seattle."

"But I was seeing Sophia since before George Jefferson attacked."

"I was here before my daughter came!" Sophie declared. "I was just vacationing when Dorothy joined me. And I _was_ thinking of moving to be closer to you, but..."

"I'm so sorry, Sophia!"

"Forget about , Martin Crane, really hurt me."

"How 'bout some wine?"

"Apology accepted."

Frasier ran up and delivered a kick to Dorothy, sending her flying a few feet away before falling to the floor.

"Nice kick," Sophia said to him.

"Thank you," Frasier grumbled.

Dorothy sprung up and threw ninja stars at Frasier, giving him several small cuts to his form.

"Your daughter has good aim, Sophia," Martin said. "Dorothy, you should be a police officer."

"Thanks," Dorothy muttered. "Now, Frasier Crane, you will fall before the might of _this_ golden girl."

"That's the name of the show!" Sophia exclaimed.

"It's gets _better_," Martin told her, although with sarcasm on the last with.

Frasier Crane and Dorothy Zbornac traded blows. They struggled to hit one another, dodge attacks or shield themselves.

They were evenly matched.


	9. Chapter 9: VS Maude!

**Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, shows, books, authors, etc. that I use/have uses/will used. I just wrote it. Not like any of the people I mention care. They're probably living on the backs of titanium henchmen.**

Niles, Harriet, Daphne and Roz reached the lobby before The Triple stopped them.

Janet, Jack and whatever was under the tarp laughed.

"Prepare for trouble!" Janet declared.

"And make it double!" Jack said.

"To protect old shows from cancellation!"

"To unite all genres within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of network jerks!"

"It's the superior shows that deserve all the perks!"

Out from the tarp came a blond girl.

"Cindy Snow!"

"Jack!" Jack said.

"And Janet, now that's a name!" Janet said. "The Triple, laugh with the speed of comedy!"

"Surrender now, or experience some tragedy!"

"Cindy, that's right!" Cindy said.

"Ugh, we don't have time for this!" Roz said.

**Roz, Niles and Daphne VS Jack, Janet and Cindy**

**FIGHT!**

Cindy did a cartwheel, put her hand slipped, sending her crashing through the front desk.

The person at the front desk ran out the door.

"Oops, silly me!" Cindy laughed.

"What happened to Chrissy?" Daphne asked The Triple britishly.

"She died!" Janet wailed. "You killed her!"

"No we didn't!" Niles responded.

"Yes, you did!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"She killed herself!" Daphne said. "When she opened the door and fell out the blimp-"

Jack lunged at her, firsts raised and screaming.

Niles cut him off, slapping Jack in the face and pushing him back.

"You cannot win!" Janet screeched. "Jack! Tactics 15!"

Harriet, meanwhile, snuck into the elevator.

"Shiva!" Frasier announced. He grew six more arms."Now, Smart Bubble!"

The Bubble didn't activate!

"You cannot activate it with the Shiva Ability!" Dorothy announced.

"Damn!"

Frasier found it hard to manage so many hands, his Sword, and dodge Dorothy's attacks all at once. Dorothy was dealing quick blows to his form.

"Ma, open my book-bag!" Dorothy said. To her mother.

Sophia grumbled, waddled over to Dorothy and gave her a small wool bag before retreating to Martin's side.

"Taste Atwood!" Dorothy screamed at Frasier, throwing a paperback at his head. "And Meyer and... that guy who wrote the story on...the thing."

"No, not inane ranting !" Frasier gasped as _The Handmaid's Tale _bounced off his nose. "And plotholes! And... that thing where women are treated as objects?"

"No, not that book."

"Where cats are demons?"

"Not that one."

"The one...?"

"With...Oh! The one with the horse."

"The horse!"

_Shock the Monkey._

_Shock the Monkey._

Harriet listened to the elevator music while she waited patiently for the elevator to stop.

Frasier delivered many fast punches to Dorothy.

"You can't hit a girl, Frasier!" Martin joked.

Dorothy sliced off one of Frasier's extra hands. It vanished soon after.

"But you can slice her, you numbskull," Sophia added.

"Wait, hey! How do I take off...turn off these arms?" Frasier asked.

"Hold on," Dorothy said. "Assist!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in Miami...

Blanch Deveraux started to glow a golden-white...glow.

"What is it, Blanche?" Rose Nylund asked.

"I don't know!" Blache said simply. "Oh yea, Dorothy's calling me."

"Oh. Well, will you accept the charges?"

"Heavens, no! I agreed to be her Assist, but that was before I had a date tonight."

"The glow's dissipating..."

"Darn. That light really highlighted my rose cheeks, didn't it?"

"Damn it, Blanche!" Dorothy screeched. "Ma!"

"What do you want?" Sophia whined.

"Be my Assist?"

"Her what?" Martin asked.

"Assist," Sophia said. "A person can have one Assist, a person to assist them in battle. Usually to do one deed."

"And how do you know all this."

"Please, I'm from Sicily!"

"Ah."

"Well?" Dorothy asked.

"Sure, pussycat," Sophia said.

"Dad, will you be my Assist?" Frasier asked.

"Sure, son," Martin said with a nod.

"Assist!" both Dorothy and Frasier called.

Light surrounded Martin and Sophia.

"What's going on?" Frasier asked Dorothy.

"They aren't accepting," Dorothy said. "And we can't call another Assist unless they quit."

"Why?"

"_Because that's how cool people do it!_ I don't know why!"

"Well, can we call Assists from outside the room?"

"What?"

"You know - why didn't you call someone from outside, see if they'll accept?"

"You have to hear, see, taste, whatever to know they're your Assist. Then, you can call them from anywhere. Incidentally-"

Dorothy pulled out a cell phone from her bag and said to Frasier, "I'm ready to dial Rose Nylund once I get my mom to quit."

Sophia said, "We're not going to quit. Martin and I talked. We decided you two should fight for yourselves."

"You two need to stop hiding behind your parents and let go," Martin said. "We're not going to be here forever. I'm not your assist anymore, Frasier."

The light around the elderly couple vanished.

Dorothy dropped her phone and kicked her bag across the room angrily. "You'll always be around, Ma!" Dorothy cried. "I know you'd never abandon me!"  
"But I'm not immortal," Sophia said.

Dorothy gasped.

"I don't have that much time, Frasier," Martin said.

Frasier's jaw dropped.

_Teenage Hustling_

_I've been working here_

_Since I was fourteen._

Harriet hummed along.

Dorothy's eyes turned black. Her mind felt like it was shutting down and she felt cold.

_Maude, have you killed Frasier Crane yet?_

_No, _Dorothy thought.

_You _really _need to hurry up! Geez, the others finished two or three shows each by now. Are you still so inferior, even after all that training?_

_No, I'm working on it, sir!_

_If you don't hurry up, little lady, then we'll have to do something about your placement, huh?_

_I'll kill him, I'll kill him!_

Dorothy's mind snapped back, her eyes returning to normal and her body warming up.

"What was that?" Frasier asked. "You just stood there."

"I was being channeled by the boss," Dorothy explained. "Thanks for not attacking me just then."

"It didn't seem right to do so. Even though you're trying to kill me."

"Let's kick this up a notch, dude!" Dorothy announced. She pointed towards the ceiling. A guitar appeared before her.

Frasier saw a guitar appear before him also.

The lights dimmed and spotlights shone on the two.

**Round 2!**

**FIGHT!**

Hard rock started to play as Frasier and Dorothy played their instruments furiously. Several strings formed a track, conneting the two together from across the room.

Music notes danced out of the guitars before riding the strings. The other person's notes would clash against it, causing both to go _poof! _Should any of the fighters miss a beat, the other's note would hit them.

"How do you like me now?" Dorothy laughed.

"I must ...say, you're... quite the... player!" Frasier said. A note hit him. "Ow!"

_All the people in left wing_

_Rock!_

_And all the people in the right wing_

_Rock~_

The elevator stopped.

"_Finally_," Harriet said to herself.

A couple people waltzed in and pressed a few buttons.

"Oh, come on!" Harriet whined.

Dorothy's last note finished off Frasier's last extra hand, defeating the Shiva Ability.

"I'm a guitar hero!" Dorothy said wickedly. "You cannot win!"

"Thank you," Frasier laughed. "Thank you, thank you!"

Dorothy was caught off-guard. "What?"

"Now I can work at full efficiency, without worrying about my hands. Now it is _you who cannot win!"_

Frasier played furiously, sending so many notes at Dorothy while she was still caught off guard.

Dorothy started to play, but couldn't defend herself against all of them. Notes exploded against her body.

"Dorothy!" Sophia gasped.

When the smoke cleared, a woman, scarred from previous battles and hate in her eyes stood valiantly.

"You play hard-core," she said.

"Dorothy, you look different," Frasier said.

"And I thought I could run forever," Dorothy sighed. "I love this life, but as an honorable opponent, you should fight me at my full potential."

"What are you talking about, Dorothy?"

"I'm not really Dorothy Zbornak! My real name is Maude."


	10. Chapter 10: VS Illusion Paint

Previously...on _Frasier_

"I can't believe you are telling me this art isn't rococo!" Niles gasped

"No, it's Renaissance art!" Frasier disagreed.

"Rococo!"

"Renaissance! Just look at the use of color!"

"Just look at the detail!"

"That's it!" Frasier screamed.

He pulled out a sword, and Niles did the same. The two let out a battle cry and fought over the painting in the museum.

There were no survivors.

"Maude?" Frasier repeated.

"You see, I used to go under the identity of Maude Findlay," Maude explained. "Well, that was one of the names I used. And I have lived for thousands of years, assuming many identities: Cherry Lane, Yente, Vera...

"Anyway, it was getting hard for me to keep moving. So I settled down after a while and got married. The first one, Barney, died. And then there was Albert, Chester... But I finally settled for dear Walter.

"But the good times didn't last: I just couldn't stand it. I became a congresswoman, helped so many people, made lots of money. But it grew so _tiring _with no challenge. I wasn't aging, too - eventually Walter and my daughter and the rest of the family just died off. I was devastated, sure, but I had to run before the press found me out and traced my origins back to the old county.

"Luckily for me, my boss helped me create this new life. Using his advanced medicines, he allowed me to age normally and fit in. It was because of him that I have the great life that I have now.

"Maude was dead. Dorothy was alive. Dorothy had a big, living family that loved each other.

"But I can't continue to keep this up, Frasier. Not when I keep getting sucked into this war. Not with the boss bringing me out to kill."

"You have a choice, Dorothy...Maude," Frasier told her sternly.

"No, I don't," Maude said with tears in her eyes. "I really don't. I owe my boss too much."

Frasier noticed that the iris and pupil in her right eye completely vanished.

"Well, I guess this match will be the end of one of us. So be it."

"Let it be so."

Frasier swung his instrument at Maude, but she deflected the attack, sending Frasier back a few feet.

"Deception Paint is lost!" Maude said. "Activate Illusion Paint!"

Maude turned orange. Her clothes, skin, hair...all orange. Her legs became pointed, as if she had two extremely thin, sharp pegs for both legs. Her arms extended and her fingers were now similar to legs. She had several black stripes against her form.

"What's this?" Frasier exclaimed. "Are you a tiger now?"

"This is my Illusion Paint," Maude told her. "One of my three alternate Paint forms. You saw my earlier one, _Dorothy_."

**ROUND 2. FIGHT!**

Maude vanished from Frasier's sight.

"Behind you," Maude said to Frasier. He turned back, but she was gone.

Frasier turned left fast enough to see Maude punch him across the room.

"Booyah!" Maude shrieked with glee.

The earth started to shake.

"Uh-oh," Martin said. He pulled Sophia under a table and told her, "EARTHQUAKE!"

"I'm used to worse," Sophia said. "Usually when I pass by Blanche's room on a Sunday night."

_The roof_

_The roof_

_The roof is on fire!_

Harriet felt the elevator stop. Then she felt is slowly, then quickly, hurdle downwards.

"We're going to die!" an old lady screamed.

"Crap!" the middle-aged man said.

"Calm down!" Harriet said.

Harriet ripped the elevator doors open. She stabbed the wall with one of her shoe's stilettos.

"What are you doing?" the man asked her.

"Saving you," Harriet responded.

Harriet grabbed the two people and jumped up...

"Ow!"

...forgetting the elevator's roof.

Frasier and Maude were dealing blows to each other. Unfortunately, Frasier was having extreme trouble deflecting and hitting Maude and her attacks.

"You cannot win!" Frasier spat out at her. "I'll find your weakness yet!"

"You can't because I'm too fast!" Maude cackled.

"Just like your ex-husband, Stan," Sophia commented.

Maude turned to her, giving Frasier a split-second to attack.

When Maude turned to Frasier, she saw a flash of grey. She stumbled back in shock.

"Well, there goes your chances of teaching," Frasier told her. "You've just been hit with the Dumb Bubble!"

Frasier pushed her to the floor and summoned his sword. He held it over her head like the sword of Damocles.

Maude just stared at him, drooling.

"Good...bye!" Frasier said.

He was about to bring down the sword when Maude's Illusion Paint fell to the floor, leaving a smirking Maude around the shards.

"Oh, and you were so close," Maude giggled. Blood dripped from her mouth.

"Not so fast!" came a voice. It was Harriet, opening the door and holding out her large hammer.

"Harriet!" Frasier called out to her longingly.

"Let me be your Assist!" Harriet said before she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Be my Assist!" Frasier cried out. "I want you to be my Assist now, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life."

"Yes, I accept!"

Harriet looked down at Maude and readied her hammer.

"God'll get you for that-" Maude said before Harriet knocked her head off.

**FRASIER WINS.**

**Frasier gained the Durama Deception!**

**Frasier gained the Blue Paint!**

**Frasier gained a curly wig!**

**Frasier leveled up!**

The earthquake stopped. Sophia quickly shuffled out from under the table and over to her daughter's body.

"Pussycat," Sophia cried. "Oh my God, you can't be dead! Not before me!"

"But she was trying to kill me!" Frasier said angrily.

"She was my daughter! She was my daughter and I loved her with all my heart."

"Frasier did what he had to do!" Martin interjected as he rose out from underneath the table.

"Sure he did...Sure...But Dorothy...I knew what she was and I still loved her. Loved her like my own daughter!"

Sophia walked out of the apartment.

"Wait, Sophia!" Martin called out. "Where are you going? Want me to walk you there?"

"No, Marty," she said to him. "Goodbye, my darling."

Sophia shut the door behind her.

"Should we go after her?" Frasier asked. "There was an earthquake, there's The Triple somewhere, likely. She's just an old lady-"

"Frasier, it's fine," Harriet told him. "Leave her alone."

"She's not '_just an old lady_,' Frasier," Martin said. "She can take care of herself."

"Looks like The Triple-" The Triple began, but Niles kicked the three in their mouths and kicked the three out of the apartment.


End file.
